thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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