the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
