You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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