well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
he was CRYING into my vagina
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
