1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
