At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
