I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
