I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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