I swear she didn't look like that last week.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
