just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
