dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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