Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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