He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
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As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
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Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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