My friends, they love my intelligence
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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