How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
