fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
