Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
