My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
