How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
