How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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