He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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