ya dads aren't the best wingmen
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
