I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
