Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
