I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
