jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
