So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
