Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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