I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
