the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
