i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
