Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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