Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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