I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Someone signed my nipple.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
