Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
