I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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