he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
