you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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