does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
