Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
