I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
