Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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