you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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