Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
