Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
