The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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