If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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