Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
