Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
