sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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