He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
