We're like a lot better than the average bears
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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