we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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