he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
P.S. I can't hear my feet
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
