naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
cat food counts as protein by the way
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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